How to Help Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence
If someone you care about is experiencing domestic violence, you may not know what to say or how to help them. Whether they’re a friend, family member, coworker, or member of the community, there are ways you can offer support.
This guide covers the common warning signs of domestic violence, what to keep in mind when supporting survivors, and practical steps you can take to help someone access support.
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another. Abuse can take many forms, and the signs aren’t always visible to others.
Forms of Domestic Violence
physical abuse
Hitting, restraining, strangulation, or preventing access to medical care.
Emotional abuse
Insults, humiliation, manipulation, or isolating someone from loved ones.
Threats & Intimidation
Using threats, fear, or harm to loved ones or pets to maintain control.
Sexual Abuse
Pressuring, coercing, or forcing sexual activity without consent.
Financial abuse
Controlling money, restricting access to resources, or preventing someone from working.
Technology-Facilitated Abuse
Tracking someone’s location, monitoring messages, or controlling online activity.
Warning Signs That Someone May Be Experiencing Domestic Violence
Domestic violence isn’t always easy to recognize, especially when abusive behavior happens privately. Here are some signs you might notice in someone you know:
- Unexplained injuries: Frequent bruises or other injuries, sometimes accompanied by unusual explanations.
- Controlling behavior from a partner: A partner who monitors their activities, makes decisions for them, or limits who they can see.
- Withdrawal or isolation: Pulling away from friends, family, or activities they once enjoyed.
- Frequent absences or cancellations: Missing work, school, or social plans, particularly when a partner seems to be influencing their availability.
- Changes in behavior: Appearing unusually anxious, withdrawn, or fearful, especially around their partner.
- Threats or intimidation: A partner who publicly humiliates, threatens, or behaves aggressively toward them.
These signs don’t necessarily mean someone is experiencing domestic violence, and many survivors show no outward signs at all. If you’re worried about someone, try checking in privately and letting them know you’re there to listen.
How to Support Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence
Every survivor’s situation is different. Some people may not recognize what they’re experiencing as abuse, while others may know something is wrong but aren’t sure what to do next. Here are a few things to keep in mind when supporting someone experiencing domestic violence.
1. There Are Professionals Available to Help
You don’t have to have all the answers. Trained advocates at local domestic and sexual violence advocacy organizations can help survivors explore their options, access resources, and make decisions about their safety.
Visit our Get Help page to find the contact information for local and statewide survivor support hotlines in Vermont. You can also contact the Vermont Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-228-7395.
If someone you know is interested in connecting with an advocate, here are a few ways you might help:
Provide a safe way to connect. Offer the use of your phone or computer if they’re concerned about their partner monitoring their communications or internet activity, provided it is safe to do so.
Offer to accompany them. Ask if they’d like you to sit with them while they contact an advocate or go with them to an appointment.
Help with practical needs. Transportation, childcare, pet care, or other everyday support may make it easier for someone to access services.
Remember to ask what would be helpful rather than assuming what someone needs.
2. Why is it Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship?
There are many reasons someone may stay in or return to an abusive relationship. They may fear for their safety or the safety of their children, face financial or housing barriers, lack a support system, or feel pressure to keep their family together.
Leaving can also be one of the most dangerous times for a survivor, as an abusive partner may escalate their behavior when they feel they are losing control.
Whatever someone’s circumstances, remember that the responsibility for abuse always lies with the person causing harm, not the survivor.
3. Let Survivors Move at Their Own Pace
It can be hard to watch someone you care about experience harm, especially when you want to help them find safety. But survivors know their own circumstances best, and it’s important to respect their decisions, even when you don’t agree with them. Instead of telling someone what they should do, ask what would be helpful.
4. Being a Safe, Supportive Presence Matters
Many survivors worry they won’t be believed, or that they’ll be blamed or judged for what happened to them. This can make it even harder to ask for help.
You don’t need to investigate what happened or ask someone to prove their experience. Listen to what they’re telling you, take their concerns seriously, and remind them that the abuse isn’t their fault. Even if they’re not ready to make a change, knowing you’re there for them matters.
Sometimes, the most helpful things you can say are:
“Thank you for sharing that with me.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“I believe you.”
“What happened is not your fault.”
“How can I support you right now?”
5. Remember to Check-in With Yourself
Supporting someone who’s experiencing abuse can be difficult. It’s important to look after your own safety and well-being, too.
Don’t put yourself in an unsafe situation or take on a support role that you’re not able to manage.
If you’re unsure how to help, hotline advocates are also available to talk with friends, family members, and others who are concerned about someone experiencing abuse. You can find Vermont hotline numbers on our Get Help page.
We Can Create a Violence-Free Vermont
Creating a Vermont free from domestic and sexual violence takes all of us. By showing up for survivors, supporting one another, and challenging the conditions that allow violence to persist, we can help build safe communities where everyone can thrive.
Want to help make this work possible? Consider making a $10 donation to the Vermont Network.
